'TIS THE SEASON

This is a weird time of year for me. It's the time of year when I'm reminded more to really look at how much I have. I feel grateful pretty much 365 days a year for my family and my cushy life, for the choice I have to be home with my kids, and for a man who is willing to work long and hard to provide us with these comforts. But this is the time of year when I'm reminded of how much I have in so many other ways. Things like the freedom to blog whatever I feel, and not fear being arrested for my thoughts and expressions. Or the security of knowing that my government and law enforcement agencies are set up to protect and provide for me (most of the time :). During this time of year I remember how lucky I am to have the abundance of food and necessities that cause me to curse those extra pounds I'm carrying around the rest of the year. It's that same over-abundance of good, healthy, food and water that keeps my kids thriving and happy. And I'm grateful for Community and the goodness of Humanity that really shines during these few weeks each year.

Then there are all the smells, the Holiday foods, the music and lights. I love all those traditional symbols of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I like to make candy and treats for our neighbors with the kids. I like to decorate the tree and house, and I like to watch all the traditional Christmas shows on t.v. It's just not Christmas without Ralphie and his Red Rider b.b. gun!

But this is a hard time of year for me too. Right around Thanksgiving time I start to be reminded of who will not be with us for the Holidays this year. All those same traditions that make me feel connected and familiar are also a reminder of sister who is missing from these celebrations for the past 13 years. It's harder this time of year to forget the memories of that terrible night, to forget about the regrets that followed, and to ignore the obvious gap her passing has left in our family. I cry more, I have a harder time controlling my emotions, and my thoughts and feelings about the Holiday Season are bittersweet. So much has changed over these 13 years. Not only do we mourn the untimely loss of a sister and daughter in my family, but we mourn the loss of our traditional family unit. My extended family has changed, is not the same in many ways, and we are still trying to feel our way around all of these changes. Certain traditions have had to fall by the wayside. Yet, we still have many things to be grateful for. We have added some very special and valuable new members to our "untraditional" family, and in the process, have added new traditions and (my personal favorite) new Holiday foods.

This is the time of year that reminds me most how little real control we have over certain circumstances. And that we really need our traditions, and our foods, and our gatherings, to help keep us all connected and grounded during the times of change and difficulty. Change and loss are an inevitable part of living, and mourning is just a normal part of those inevitabilities. But this year is a good one. My parents are both happy and content, my siblings are ALL doing relatively well, and we've added four beautiful new members to our family in 2008. I'm sure I'll have my darker days, but that's why I'm blogging today, a good day, to help remind me how there's more light than dark to enjoy this time of year. And it just barely occurred to me that is exactly what Christmas is meant to remind us of... the Light.