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10 THINGS

1. I love your hands

2. I love your endless sense of adventure

3. I love your need to surprise me...still

4. I love that you are strong where I am weak

5. I love your smell

6. I love that you make the little things special

7. I love your hugs

8. I love that you still tell me I'm beautiful

9. I love that you are a great dad

10. I love that you are smart, so smart

These are just 10 things I love about you... I hope you have a great birthday, you deserve it!

Love always,

Me

EVERYTHING IS CHANGING AND I DON'T FEEL THE SAME

The seasons are turning around here...

Family dynamics change when your oldest turns 16. Mostly, I think, because they can drive, and they become so much more independent overnight! When I was pregnant with Brit I felt completely overwhelmed and ill-equiped to be a mom. I just didn't feel ready to take on the very real possibility that I could totally screw up another person's life! At my baby shower I received a card with this poem:

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again"

That little poem seemed to have the answers I was looking for at the time, and I decided I didn't want to look back with regrets. After a rocky start, with a colicky newborn, parenting became my favorite thing in this world! I loved bedtime stories and blankies, writing on the walls, and hand written love notes, messy kisses, dirty faces, Legos, kiddie pools, gum in the hair. But kids grow up and bedtime stories are replaced by late night talks about anxieties, or fears, or what secrets the Universe holds. They leave Legos behind in favor of iPods, cell phones, and gym memberships. Kisses and hugs come fewer and farther between. At some point you start to realize that being a mom has become more about teaching your kids how to grow up. It becomes just as important to help them start making their own decisions, help them understand consequences, and to push them just a little toward more independence. That part is so much harder than scrubbing marker off the walls!

So when Brit told me he didn't want to go with us to Arizona this winter, I was hit with a slew of emotions. Pride. Sadness. Admiration. Panic. To name a few. Brit and Kaylee have been taking classes with other homeschoolers this year that he doesn't want to miss out on. He is really involved with a teen group and doesn't want to miss the activities. And since he already does his own laundry, knows how to shop for groceries, can take care of his meals and the animals, and can drive... Why not? Once I caught my breath, I felt like it could work, it would be okay. Kaylee still wanted to go, right? Right? She would never come out and say it, but Kaylee isn't ready to be without her brother and her dad at the same time. And Kaylee really didn't want to miss out on classes, and friends, and...her brother.

Yesterday I made the decision to NOT go to Arizona this winter. Although my son seems to think he can get along just fine without me, and my daughter is willing to suck it up and be my winter buddy, I still feel like being a good mom is my most important concern. And while I do agree that Brit is capable of taking care of himself just fine, I hold to the belief that there are still a few things I can do for him! Don't get me wrong, I have moments of fluttery excitement thinking about "someday" when I can spend entire days gardening, or sewing, or just laying around with a good book. My only concern will be to make it look like I'd gotten anything done by the time Jeff gets home from work. But I'm not ready for "someday" yet.

Now I am off to go shopping, for boots, and gloves, and hats, and scarves... And I can't forget a Snuggie... Or should I go with the Slanket?

TWELVE

My beautiful,


baby girl,


is TWELVE!!!


And she is my favorite girl, my best friend, my "Angelfish." She told me this was her best birthday ever...

WHAT'S NEW?

So, what have I missed? I've been absent from the world of blogging for so long I feel like I'm starting over! It's kind of like when you don't go to church for a few weeks and you feel a little guilty... But then a few more weeks go by and at some point you're thinking it would be just plain embarrassing to go back at all! Yet here I stand, red-faced at the door, ready to do better.

It's not as if nothing has been goin' on 'round here! Brit turned 16 and got his driver' license.

His birthday gift from Grandma and Tim was a 1988, red, Toyota 4-runner! Yeesh! That kid lives a charmed life.

Jeff and I celebrated out 19th wedding anniversary. Seems like just yesterday... sniff, sniff, we were young and beautiful... and so naive! I wouldn't go back, not even for the skinny legs and smooth skin. I like where we are just fine!


My brother lost his house, place of business, and little dog in a terrible house fire!


I turned 40!!!


Jeff, yes Jeff! Brought another dog home!


And many, many weekends of camping and boating...








The summer came and went in a flash! I can't believe it's September already. My kids are growing up, becoming more independent, changing every day... It's a proud kind of sad to watch it all.

MY MOAB MEMORIAL (Day weekend)

For nine years we have been going to Moab, Ut. for some of the best times of our lives, and this year is no exception. Memorial Day weekend is a good time to go because of the long break from work and school. We have had all kinds of people come along with us to share in our enthusiasm for this part of the world... and we love sharing it. This year Jeff's entire family was able to make it along with my friend Elisa and her three kids. Elisa's decision to come was kind of last minute, and since it was one of THE busiest weekends of the year, they ended up in our trailer. It was fun to have a big group all together... it reminded me of the motorhome trips my family made when I was a kid. This year we didn't have Jeeps or bikes so we spent more time hiking and relaxing around camp. I was so sad to leave yesterday... but we do have our memories and pictures... until next time...



I said "cheese" not freeze!



There's some cheese...



Hiking buddies



Can't go wrong with a thumbs up!!!



Beauty on the beasts! I bent down to take this pic and that horrible plant bit me!



Cute Kelson Family



My babies... sniff, sniff... so grown up.



Corona Arch hiking group



Corona Arch



Silliness



Aw... sweetness



...And a little nature lovin'



Oh, and a lot of exhaustion at the end of the day...



Good thing for good dogs! Thanks everyone who helped make my Moab Memorial Day weekend so memorable!

THIS SUMMER...

Have you ever had to keep a really big secret? Do you remember how it felt to keep that secret? If it was a good secret, like the time Jeff and I wanted to surprise our kids with a trip to Disneyland, it feels like you could just burst before the big day arrives and you can reveal the great news! Or, like Christmas Eve when you know you’ve gotten the perfect gifts for your kids and can’t sleep in anticipation for their excitement in the morning. Even so, keeping those secrets takes energy and effort, doesn’t it? I’ve kept a few secrets in my lifetime. Some of those secrets have been terribly painful to keep. Lately I’ve been thinking it’s time to let them go…

This summer I will travel to the places where my childhood was cut short, innocence stolen, trust stripped away, to help me let go of these terrible secrets. I don’t know what I will feel, I don’t know how or if it will help me, and I am trying not to have expectations, but it feels like the right thing to do at this point. I‘ve been told many times, confronting your fears and losses is the best path to leading you out of them. It’s a path I know way more intimately than any person would ever want to, but the alternative is denial, and that was not getting me far. This summer I will take my mom back to these places, at her suggestion, and hope it will give us both a reason to let go of guilt or blame for things that ultimately, neither one of us could control. This summer I will take my kids to these places, to show them that we all have fears to face, that we all need to keep fighting, and that I am not afraid anymore. This summer I will re-visit a time and place where I was unable to protect myself, where I was vulnerable, afraid, confused, and damaged, but this time I will be strong. This summer I hope to leave parts of me there… The dark parts, the broken parts, the parts that died a long time ago, yet I’ve carried with me for all these years. It’s time for me to lay those parts down where they should have been left to begin with, and to leave a little lighter. One more step on my path to being whole.

Why blog about it? Because it is really no secret that 1 in 4 girls, and 1 in 6 boys, will be sexually abused by the age of 18. Look around you, look at your daughters, your sons, your nieces and nephews. Look at your grandchildren, your friends, your neighbors, look at how many people you know, then look long and hard at those statistics. 1 in 4 beautiful, innocent, undeserving, little girls, young ladies, or women may be struggling with the weight of this kind of terrible secret. 1 in 4. There shouldn’t be shame in what was stolen from the innocent. Keeping my secrets isn’t helping me, and is, in fact, a bad example to the 1 in 4 girls whose lives will be snatched by a greedy hand, shaken to pieces, then left to try to put things back together.

This summer I will turn 40. It’s about time I made this journey… there have been a few years where I wasn’t sure I would choose to keep fighting. I’m glad I did. There is still a long road ahead, but I believe that I will be miles farther on my journey, after this summer.